The Devil's Dictionary: Political Edition

A reference for when one is confused about the terms used by candidates, politicians, pollsters, pundits, and "analysts."

abortion, n.: early termination of a potential voter

ammunition, n.: Pages of fact sheets prepared with the careful purpose
of propping up one ignorant lawyer in favor of another. In rare
circumstances, a small chunk of metal accelerated to high velocities.

background check, n.: a one-time voodoo dance purported to diagnose
mental illness; reportedly effective in certain states, but data is
scarce. Requires more funding to study the issue.

bank, n.: (1) a private-sector make-work program for the otherwise
unemployable. See also TSA for a public-sector example. (2) a location
for the physical storage of numbers that represent virtual
Intergalactic Credits.

budget, n.: [BUD-jit] the essence of hope written in numerical form 

bullet, n.: a small dot, typically associated with items in list
form. Used extensively in Microsoft Power Point. Typically the only
valid method of delimiting knowledge.

condolence payments: Blood money. cf. Drone strikes. cf. collateral damage

Congress, n.: an institution populated by lawyers unfamiliar with the
documents they modify

democratic, n.: ideals whose definition has become indecipherable with

drone, n.: 1. an intern, typically unmolested after achieving the
appropriate level of ideological maturity. 2. a remotely-piloted
flying machine capable of delivering Justice.

fact sheet, n.: a one page work of fiction, often in list form.

government, n.: a harlot seeking the command of the lowest bidder

good government, n.: a madam

gun control, n.: aim

justice, n.:

Justice, n.: righteousness in the form of a liquid oxygen driven projectile, often delivered via Drone

lobbyist, n.: an elite member of the citizenry, charged with the
careful conduct of the plebiscite by exercising the twin gifts of
persuasion and deep pockets.

march of freedom, n.: an entry--level excuse for justifying
freedom--limiting laws.  Generally uttered only by the amateur or
unsophisticated politician.

Parliament, n.: weak sauce

photo-op, n.: [fo-TO-op] bovine manure consumed visually. See, e.g.,

poll, n.: a colored chart; a menu of choices. Not to be confused with
Pole, a person of Polish descent. Also not to be confused with public
opinion.  See 'public opinion'.

poll, polling, v.: instructing people on their opinions through the
art of questioning them

pork, n.: harmless in small quantities. Congress is physically
incapable of manipulating small quantities of this substance.

prayers go out, v.: an inferior form of the public postal service,
primarily concerned with the delivery of empty envelopes

press, n.: a semi--reliable communications channel mostly concerned
with enabling the sale of viewers or readers to advertisers

President (U.S.), n.: in seeking the office, an unemployed lawyer;
after achieving the office, an unemployable lawyer

President (non-U.S.), n.: in a deck of cards, the six of clubs.

pride, n.: in a politician, the venial sin of low self--esteem

Prime Minister, n.: the people's excuse for a temporary sovereign

promise, v.: a figure of speech valid only in the case of referring to
how one gets one's pants on in the morning.

public opinion, n.: fact measured by scientific instruments as yet
unknown; largely expressed over kitchen tables and in minivans.
Sometimes quietly associated with a tax return.

republican, n.: ideals whose definition has become indecipherable with

robocall, n.: a form of welfare directed at large telecommunications

tax, v.: to serve citizens

tax, n.: patriotic duty

tax, n.: the minimum monthly payment on a citizen's share of the
national debt.

vote, n.: a unit of currency denoting the value of a voter. Cannot be
measured without changing its value. Can only be measured in a voting
booth. See 'voter', 'voting booth'.

voter, n.: an unpredictable and extraordinarily powerful particle only
when in close proximity to others of its kind, and only in a voting
booth. NB: special relativistic effects simultaneously amplify and
distort the action of this particle in Florida

voting booth, n.: a quantum cage in which a voter expresses its
nature; measuring the vote tends to devalue the voter. In certain
districts, after measurement, voters turn out to be Disney characters.

welfare, n.: Outside of Washington, D.C., a much--needed safety
net. Inside the Beltway, the definition has been lost. Will advise and
update entry when found.

© 2014 Michael E. Locasto